DISCLAIMER: this is sad..

I didn't realize that it's been exactly a month since my last blog post until I signed in. I've been meaning to write but I have been dreading writing this post. I've had a miserable month. a devastatingly, downright miserable month. and I haven't written about it because I didn't want to depress everyone out there. but one thing I've realized is that I have some great friends that don't mind so much listening to what I have to say, even if its depressing news. and another thing I've realized is that if you don't get the bad shit off your chest it will build and build until you have a meltdown, like I did this morning.
so about a month ago me and my family found out that my dad has 6-12 months to live, he has another brain tumor that is growing at a fairly rapid rate that is inoperable. at the same time he also has skin cancer on his nose and face and the cancer has spread into his cheek and neck. his doctors are only concerned with that cancer right now, it's the most aggressive cancer they have seen in the past 20 years. he has to get radiation five times a week for the next 6-7 weeks (now about four more weeks I'd guess) just so his nose doesn't turn black and fall off. there is nothing that can be done for him beyond purely aesthetic purposes. and if that wasn't bad enough, my dad has no idea who I am. within a week he didn't know me. I seen him on april 18th - my nana's birthday - and we had our normal conversation (which would not be normal to anyone else) about who knows what and a week later he didn't have a clue who I was. or actually, he thought I was my sister.
I'm guessing at best, the way things are going, my dad has more like 3-6 months to live. and I could go on with this story and how everyday it's something new that has gone wrong, but I think you get the picture. what I have decided is that this is not the way I will remember my dad. I will remember him as the guy who never left me, who two months ago hugged me and told me he appreciated everything that I did (which meant bringing him cookies), who picked me up drunk and crying and ready to kick someone's ass for making me cry, who told me that I was always welcome to move back home (unlike the rest of the siblings), who used to answer the phone with it's your dime and ended every phone conversation with HELLO and who used to tell stories that began with "and there I was...". this is how I'll remember him.
I also decided to send out a HUGE thank you and I love you to all my friends. this is such a shitty situation to be in but there are certain things that are getting me through the days. so, thank you carrie for listening to me constantly and not making me talk if I don't want to, or waiting for me to do it on my terms. thank you anna buckingham for saying you'd go to d.c. with me to tell my brother all this in person and rubbing my back when I cried. thank you CP for existing, because training is a huge stress reliever for me and it's honestly the one and only place I am happy these days. and a big thank you for everyone who has eaten my baked goods, it's my form of therapy and I'm happy to pawn them all off on you and not eat them myself.
and carrie, I lied. this is my favorite paul simon song. mainly because the lines: and I see losing love is like a window in your heart. everybody sees you're blown apart. everybody feels the wind blow

all time high

the hate is running at an all time high tonight. it's mostly for reasons that don't concern scla, though the jumping rope guy almost got a landmine to the fucking forehead but I digress... this post is going to be dedicated to things I don't hate. because at this point in time I have to focus on those things. otherwise my head is going to explode. so, in no particular order here we go:

highland kitchen: because even though the waitress didn't bring me the right drink (twice), I know that I can go to bo and explain my drink and get what I want.
highland kitchen (again): because they make their own pickles. enough said.
(I love highland kitchen)
jason: even though he makes me absolutely bonkers crazy, he makes me laugh. and right now I need to laugh.
sling blade: because yes, even a disturbing depressing movie can be made into a comedy when jason is involved.
alison: because even though she is miles away, she still knows that wine, chocolate, baked good and most of all tequila will make me happy
chris howard: just because.
friends who remind you that they're there for you no matter what.
friends who share their sad stories with you and listen to yours and don't mind sitting in silence
steph and eric: for making "going elwell" into a verb and a blog post
all the people who donated money for my bike ride: your generosity astounds me. I love you all
my married former gym boyfriend: I know you think I'm crazy but thank you for taking the weight off the landmine for me because I was honestly too tired and out of breath to do it myself. and I refuse to not re-rack my weights. even if technically I have someone else do it.
LOST: goddamn you lost! I have no idea what's going on but I love you anyways.
tony: for making me into a gym snob and a lover of lifting heavy shit. it truly keeps me sane
the fact that my mind thinks in song. that doesn't sound right but you get what I'm saying. the song may be annoying at times and sometimes I have like songs battling it out in my head but I like that I "think" in music
and lastly, my bed: I love you bed. I hate that I have to leave you in 7 hours but I'll be back...

here I leave you with the song that has been stuck in my head all night

who needs spike when you have hate?

first off I apologize for being mia lately, I honestly haven't had much of anything good to say lately. been a bit of a downer and didn't want to spread my blahness on everyone else. I did have a blog post almost written last week, all about how pallof tortured me and I was bruised and broken but I just never got into it and then I got over the fact that my legs were green.
but I don't think I'm gonna get over tonight anytime soon. I fucking hate sports club la. I hate myself for going there and paying as much as I do to deal with douchebags. and again, I know that every commercial gym is going to be bad but I don't know that it would be as bad as scla. so tonight I have to do tb dl's paired with neutral grip seated rows. then this stupid B1-B5 complex thing with little to no time to rest and I forgot my spike at work. but I tell myself that it's a deload week so I can just skip the spike this time. I KNOW! crazy right??
so I start my sets of dl's and get in one set of rows before someone jumps on the machine. annoying but whatever, I'll just wait. and THEN a trainer came over to me and said um hi, you need to put your shoes on, we have a rule about wearing shoes especially when you're around weights, and she pointed at the weights like I didn't know what they were and I must have made a face because she sort of backed up and I said I train barefoot all the time and I'll put my shoes on after I'm done deadlifting. without freaking out, I totally went elwell on her (thanks eric!!). her response was oh, really well ok they (I don't know who they were) told me to come over and tell you to put your shoes on. motherfuckers. either 1. she's lying about someone telling her to say something because she's afraid I'm gonna punch her or 2. someone was in fact too big of a pussy to say anything to me themselves. I'm going to go with a combination of both.
I am sure it has happened but how many people have dropped weights on their feet?? and do I look that retarded. god fucking help me if any of you thought well yes michelle you do look that retarded.
and what about the assholes that wear flip flops on the weight floor??? that's ok?? atleast I have socks on assholes. I hate everyone
so I am telling you that I did not need any spike to fuel my workout tonight. I had plain old hate to push me through....

stay tuned for an upcoming post on stinky people and how much I hate them. I can guarantee eric will hate me for what I write and NO eric doesn't stink...

the end of an era

I used to have this friend Yolanda. I knew her since the eight grade. I was her first friend when she moved here from north carolina. one day we were lined up outside of a class waiting to go in and I seen that we both had the same shoes on. I don't even think we became friends right then, it's just my first memory of her. I don't even know how we "became" friends but we did. we were inseparable. and we stayed inseparable for almost 20 years. I don't know what happened but we're no longer friends. maybe people aren't meant to stay that close forever. maybe people grow apart. I just don't know. so I went to redbones on friday night for my friend bryce's last night of work. I think bryce worked there for 10 years. he was the first bartender I became friends with there and the first one I "followed" and because the owners have taken a new found interest in running their business after being absent for a very long time, they've decided to "ask" the one night a week employees to leave. I have been going to redbones for so long that I don't remember a time I didn't hang out there. but it's not the same as it used to be. the above picture is from redbones. me and yolanda used to go there every wednesday night after our day class at umass boston and before my night class at bentley. Joe used to bartend downstairs and at least 50% of the time, I didn't make it to my night class. anyways, me and yolanda wrote on the picture ME + YO heart JOE. we LOVED joe. I still love joe, yolanda probably not so much. I took the picture a while ago to remind me what times used to be like. the picture now has our writing painted over. it's not the same as it used to be. to me it really does feel like the end of an era.
that was the end of my week, which almost was the "straw that broke the camels back" but it didn't. here's the rest of the week, working backwards:
wednesday day and night I ran around like a maniac and finally got home at 11 pm to shitty news about a couple of people I know, people I really do think of as my friends. the news had nothing to do with me but it left me really sad. sometimes you think you know whats going on with people but you never truly know what happens in people's private lives. I'm sorry for my friends and I hope they know that I'm there for them if they need anything. because I may be a raging bitch, but I am a loyal bitch if nothing else.
went to scla on tuesday - and almost took this dudes head off when he gave me an attitude about using the box and 30 lb db's to do my step ups.
on monday we found out my dad has another brain tumor. this time on the right side of the brain, whereas the other is on the left side. so we're dealing with two brain tumors right now. they've been "watching" the left side for a while now but he's been in a lot of pain and acting crazier than usual so he went in for an emergency mri two weeks ago. we won't know until tomorrow (hopefully) what the next course of action is. but needless to say my family is in turmoil. my brother who's in dc is freaking out about not being home. my sister calls me crying about having to sell my dads car, because that's when it hit her that things will never be the same. my mom shows no emotion ever so I have no idea how she's coping. not a clue whats going on with kerri and I'm just taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I try not to think about it, but who can do that? it's always there but I am trying to push it out and not freak out or jump to conclusions about what this means.
so yea, the end of an era. that's what it feels like to me

OH MY GOD!!!!

The National are coming to boston! The National are coming to boston! The National are coming to boston!
THE VOICE IS COMING TO BOSTON!!!!

I can’t even think straight right now. I’m about ready to pee my pants and probably give myself a heart attack from the shear excitement I am feeling right now. Mind you, tickets don’t go on sale until tomorrow so I am not even in yet. But the fact that they are coming here is enough to make me freak out!!! And steph is in damn PR so I have nobody to freak out with! I will have permagrin on for the rest of the day. I wish I could take a picture just to show you all that I do in fact know how to smile! and these assholes at work will not be able to get to me anymore today. Fuckers. They are trying their best today to make me snap, I’ll tell you that much. But it won’t work any longer.

who needs spike

when you find out the dude you've had a crush on for the past year is married! yup, my gym bf is married. last night was the first time I ever saw a ring. I am completely bummed out. granted I never spoke to the guy and really never had any intention to but it was a really nice distraction at that asshole gym and it was something to look forward to during the day. now the dream is dead.
so yea, I went to gnc on the way to the gym to stock up on spike and they are OUT until the end of next week. but I am telling you, I don't even think I needed it after the ring incident. I tapped some serious hate and was able to keep increasing the weight on my lifts. I say that like I did anything crazy yesterday. eric took away half my program because of my back so I literally was doing flat db presses, rows and db step-ups. but they were with heavier weights!
well yesterday was a shit day hopefully today will be better... I have ice coffee to look forward to at least. I'm off to work

I forgot to mention that the new national is out!!! well, it's a compilation of a bunch of really great artists. but the national does have a new song on it. so does bon iver, who are amazing!!! get it here: http://www.darkwasthenight.com
or on itunes. I've listened to most of it and it's great!

two blogs in one night!!!

like I said, I didn't want to take away from chris' post so I had to write another one. so normally every saturday I train at CP. I have a routine. I like routine. I get up, putz around for a bit. get all my shit together. go get an ice coffee and then drive out to hudson. I normally spend some time talking to everyone, change and then finally start my training that usually takes six hours. I drive back to somerville, pay the tattoo employees and then go about my night however I choose. but this weekend I trained at cp on friday night and didn't go out on saturday. I didn't know what to do with myself. all this free time! what to do, what to do??? so I did what I always do when I have time on my hands... fuck around on the computer while baking. I should have gone to scla and trained but I didn't. I just felt like relaxing, so shoot me! I now HAVE to get to scla today. not even a question, I have to get there and train. so I set my alarm for 8. hit the snooze about 9 times but then finally get up and get my ass there around 10ish. I'm so not feeling it. the vibe is all off. these wide angled neutral grip cable rows feel weird. one legged push ups just aren't happening. oh, and I didn't mention that this is all on NO SPIKE. training with no spike is not a fun time at all. one legged push ups with no spike is some kind of cruel joke played on michelle. and then I spot Natalie. and she tells me that her and aaron are going to do this 300 training. 50 pull ups, 50 deadlifts, 50 box jumps, 50 push ups, 50 crazy leg swing things while holding the barbell up and 50 clean and presses. I immediately stop feeling bad for me and my no spike self and continue on with my program. she then tells me that her and aaron have "created" a sled. now, I hate the sled at cp. I have such disdain for the sled that it's visible. I'd kick the sled if I knew I wouldn't hurt myself. but at scla, where nobody trains like me and natalie and apparently aaron (it's true, come see us train, nobody trains like us) pushing/pulling the sled brings me such joy I can hardly control myself.
so picture this: a metal step about a foot and a half high. with these sort of blast straps attached to it. then picture natalie running down a stretch of carpet, about three quarters the length of cp's turf (I don't know exactly how long it is) with aaron sitting on the step. and then picture me doing the same but with aaron's friend pete sitting on the step. and just so you get the full picture, I think aaron did it with six plates a couple of times and a couple of times with some number of plates and natalie on the step!!! now picture the looks on all the assholes at scla watching us do this. priceless man. priceless.
I can honestly say that I have NEVER enjoyed a workout at scla until today. I'm hoping this happens every sunday, because I'm there if it does.

I heart chris howard

I told chris that my next blog was going to be about him and while I wanted to mention some other things that went on this week and not seem like a total stalker crazy girl, I don't want to take away from the "all about chris blog post"

so I went to portland earlier this week to contest a speeding ticket and was not so successful but I did get to spend some time in the city which was nice because I do love me some portland. I wake up on friday to a text from anna asking if I was coming to training and also find out chris is coming to town. and I'm pretty sure I screeched like a little girl when I read it. so I immediately text anna back asking if chris was coming out to the facility because I wasn't going to the seminar and I had to make sure I got to see him.

see, chris was my favorite intern at cp. which is not a title I throw around lightly. and while I did finally warm up to larrabee, and I did really like kevin neeld, christopher howard will go down as my most favorite intern EVER! he's the only one that could walk by while I was doing glute ham raises and ask (repeatedly) if we were having fun yet without me wanting to rip his face off. he once approached me while I was doing rotational medball shotputs and said, in case you want some advice, I'd do it this way. instead of a certain coach, like say BRIAN, who just yells at you across the facility about how you're doing it wrong. and chris might be the only dude to talk jeans with me and steph and have it not be condescending. so my point being, if you haven't gotten it yet is that want him to come back to hudson asap. please hurry up through massage school and come back to us!!! we miss you!! (not just me either) in the meantime, it was great to see you this weekend, at the very least come back and visit soon.

oh and in case you all don't know what chris looks like, this is him (how could you NOT love him???):

new national!!!!!!!! and other random stuff

to say I like this band might be putting it lightly. I am OBSESSED with this band. they are the sole reason I want to go to brooklyn. they are the sole reason I think brooklyn is the motherland. (though I have been told I will be disappointed) they are the only thing I will listen to when getting say, my ribs tattooed. or any tattoo. this man's voice is pure heaven. it makes me want to melt. I want to marry this man. just to hear him talk or you know, sing to me. I don't care that he's a geeky little skinny dude. I just want to marry the voice.

I'm sitting here on my couch watching espn and I can't stop sneezing. I think I sneezed 30 times in a row last night and it's making me bonkers. anyways, this all brings me to my other love of the moment. lebron james. so hot. I'd like to punch tim legler in the face right now. and I hope lebron stomps on asshole kobe's face today

ok, I'm off to clean this disgusting apartment but I will leave you with this: I am in search for a t-shirt that says "will work for training time" if anyone knows where I can get said t-shirt, please let me know.

why must people fuck with me???

I wish I could be the type of person that could let things go. That wouldn’t let the little things in life bother me. That wouldn’t let the assholes of the world get to me. But as many of you know, it’s mostly the little things in life that make me absolutely bonkers. I went to pick up lunches and get coffee today with my friend andrea and as we were leaving somehow andrea got ahead of me and held the door for me and granted I was like 10 feet behind her and yes it was cold and snowing but this bitch said (a little too loudly) close the door. I’m pretty sure I gave myself whiplash by snapping my head around and saying are you shitting me? To which they had no response. Now anyone else would just let it go, no big deal. I on the other hand wanted to go back to flour and stomp on that bitches face. Why didn’t I, you ask? Because I go to flour every morning for my coffee. If I got thrown out of flour I would not be able to work at my job anymore. This is how integral flour ice coffee is to my day. It is what gets me out of bed in the morning. I’m not joking. I have been late and “spoken” to at work about being late because I need to go to flour everyday more times than I can remember. One might say get up earlier, or leave your house earlier, to which I reply, read the last few lines asshole! Ice coffee is the reason I get out of bed in the morning, I obviously have bigger problems than leaving my house earlier.
I have run into problems at flour before. Last week this crazy lady kept bumping from behind and finally I snapped and said AM I IN YOUR WAY??? Very loudly. And just the other day, shit I think it might have been yesterday in fact, some lady was so anxious to see what pastries they had that she had to push in front of me and my friend Rachel and then announce that she was just looking. Like that excused her pushing us out of the way. Hey lady! The pastries aren’t going anywhere asshole!
I would go somewhere else for coffee in the morning if there was a better place, but there isn’t. and if you people think I’m gonna drink dunkin donuts, you’re crazy.

I’m off to scla now, where I’m sure to get annoyed by everyone there too. this may be a two blog posting day!

Oh before I leave, here's one for the sweet baby jesus file. There’s a tiny article in the new sports illustrated (page 23) about how this fitness club called Gymbox has replaced some metal plates with human weights. Like ACTUAL people. These “liftees” wear black leotards marked with their weights. And they are doing this because a lot of their members felt that lifting metal weights was boring. And the kicker in all this is that the human plates – that’s what the owner calls them – shout encouragement to “flesh pumping” customers.

You know I’m going to be in the middle of a goddamn squat or something and think of this and kill myself tonight

my crazy friend steph

a couple weeks back this was on the quote of the week board at CP. I thought I'd take a picture just in case steph was ever needing a reminder that she did actually say it. now, the below is actually stolen from steph's blog:
"That's when the ankles started throbbing. That's when I ran INTO the headwind. That's when I got cold. That's when I started to question everything"

STEPH! STOP RUNNING!

I also miss you on saturdays. stop running and come back to lifting heavy weights with me

I'm back bitches!

yes I realize it's been more than a month since I've posted a new blog and I know that you all have missed me terribly, so I apologize to all my fans, I know it's tough living a michelle free life. I will try my hardest to get back on the blogging bandwagon.
honestly I don't have anything new to report here. somehow I made will afraid of me today, (I think it was him anyways) and I thought I was on some pretty good behavior at cp today so I don't even know what I did to make him scared of me. but I will say that, as most of you know, I have no trouble you know, asking to work in on something with them, or say you know telling someone to get the fuck out of my way because I am trying to push the sled and if you don't I will run your ass over. I'm just sayin. and you know if someone isn't going to speak up for themselves, I also have no trouble doing that for them too. so, yes the rest of the girls are probably known as the quiet ones and I am the bitchy one that yells and swears. but what the fuck? someone's gotta do it.
ok, I have a birthday party to attend. but before I leave, I just want to publicly apologize to Catherine. here goes:
Catherine, I am deeply sorry for offending you with my post a while back. PLEASE come back to cp. I don't like being the only bitch there (that's a lie, I don't mind it at all). I also don't like being the only person to make fun of pete. it's so much better telling him he'd be better looking if he were a few inches taller when you are there to tell him too. think of the fun we had, mostly at pete's expense but it was fun regardless! I will await your return. hurry back!