DISCLAIMER: this is sad..

I didn't realize that it's been exactly a month since my last blog post until I signed in. I've been meaning to write but I have been dreading writing this post. I've had a miserable month. a devastatingly, downright miserable month. and I haven't written about it because I didn't want to depress everyone out there. but one thing I've realized is that I have some great friends that don't mind so much listening to what I have to say, even if its depressing news. and another thing I've realized is that if you don't get the bad shit off your chest it will build and build until you have a meltdown, like I did this morning.
so about a month ago me and my family found out that my dad has 6-12 months to live, he has another brain tumor that is growing at a fairly rapid rate that is inoperable. at the same time he also has skin cancer on his nose and face and the cancer has spread into his cheek and neck. his doctors are only concerned with that cancer right now, it's the most aggressive cancer they have seen in the past 20 years. he has to get radiation five times a week for the next 6-7 weeks (now about four more weeks I'd guess) just so his nose doesn't turn black and fall off. there is nothing that can be done for him beyond purely aesthetic purposes. and if that wasn't bad enough, my dad has no idea who I am. within a week he didn't know me. I seen him on april 18th - my nana's birthday - and we had our normal conversation (which would not be normal to anyone else) about who knows what and a week later he didn't have a clue who I was. or actually, he thought I was my sister.
I'm guessing at best, the way things are going, my dad has more like 3-6 months to live. and I could go on with this story and how everyday it's something new that has gone wrong, but I think you get the picture. what I have decided is that this is not the way I will remember my dad. I will remember him as the guy who never left me, who two months ago hugged me and told me he appreciated everything that I did (which meant bringing him cookies), who picked me up drunk and crying and ready to kick someone's ass for making me cry, who told me that I was always welcome to move back home (unlike the rest of the siblings), who used to answer the phone with it's your dime and ended every phone conversation with HELLO and who used to tell stories that began with "and there I was...". this is how I'll remember him.
I also decided to send out a HUGE thank you and I love you to all my friends. this is such a shitty situation to be in but there are certain things that are getting me through the days. so, thank you carrie for listening to me constantly and not making me talk if I don't want to, or waiting for me to do it on my terms. thank you anna buckingham for saying you'd go to d.c. with me to tell my brother all this in person and rubbing my back when I cried. thank you CP for existing, because training is a huge stress reliever for me and it's honestly the one and only place I am happy these days. and a big thank you for everyone who has eaten my baked goods, it's my form of therapy and I'm happy to pawn them all off on you and not eat them myself.
and carrie, I lied. this is my favorite paul simon song. mainly because the lines: and I see losing love is like a window in your heart. everybody sees you're blown apart. everybody feels the wind blow