new?

I thought of creating a new blog, with a new name and a new (?) outlook on things so I could just write down my day to day thoughts, not my day to day hate but then I thought to myself, you know you're still going to hate on everyone so why start over? and you know, I'm lazy. so maybe this won't be all about my hate of scla or people in general anymore and just my thoughts that I want to get off my chest and out of my mind without having to listen to my brother tell me he told me so. because, hey jerk! I've never once said I told you so! I may have thought it, but I didn't say it asshole. see, the hatred wasn't that far away.
anyways, I've been sick for the past week and literally been in bed as much as possible. haven't trained since last sunday and while I can't wait to get back to the gym, it's not going to happen today. today I am going to bake and catch up on some crafty things for a girl at works desk (long story about my hated job that I don't care to get into) maybe I'll finally go clean my car but I doubt it.
right now I'm waiting for my cookie dough to chill and my eggs to come to room temperature so I can make this thing called a brookie. half cookie half brownie. not rocket science here. the recipe is from this bakery called Baked in Brooklyn. I love brooklyn. I found out about this place from best thing I ever ate on the food network. I want to say it was the chocolate episode, or maybe the salty episode - that sounds more accurate actually - anyways, the five ingredients lady had one of their brownies with salted caramel in it and I wanted it. immediately. in my mouth. so the next time I went and visited chris (I have found myself having a real life boyfriend...) I told him we were going to Brooklyn and that was all I wanted for valentine's day. the boy does not listen to me so that was not all I got for v-day. regardless, I go to the bakery and am instantly in love with the place and the staff but no brownies. apparently everyone else wanted the brownie in their mouth immediately. go figure. but chris got the brookie and said it was pretty delicious (this is how he speaks, I'm not joking)so I started following this place on facebook and twitter (I'm a stalker at heart) and the owner was on martha stewart and made them. so now I will try to recreate. it's been so long that I've kept up with blogging that I'm sure nobody follows or reads anymore but if you don't know this about me, I love to bake. LOVE to bake. it's actually my form of therapy. you ever watch grey's anatomy and when denny dies and izzy keeps making muffins. that's me, when I'm sad or whatever, I bake. nobody has died lately but I'm sad and frustrated right now and I'm going to bake. I might bake for the week! I told someone at work like a year ago I'd make a root beer float cake and I think I'm going to do that next. because funny story, I just looked up the recipe on www.joythebaker.com (I'm also insane about food blogs)and guess where it comes from? BAKED! I have to make it now... though I'm not thrilled about the frosting because it's a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and I don't' like that. maybe a whipped cream frosting? I do love homemade whipped cream. ok, I'm going to get back to it. maybe I'll post a follow up and let you know how it came

surrounded by douchebags

yes I realize it's been almost a year since I've last posted but you all know what this past year has been for me. SO, I'm back. I'll try to be better, no promises though.
the reason for the return, what else besides the assholes at scla driving me insane. this was an actual conversation I just overheard in the elevator:
blondie (to two dudes): so I hurt myself tonite
dudes: oh really?
blondie: yea, hehe. bench pressing.. (shoulder shrug)

this is where my head almost shot off it's shoulders. ten minutes prior to this elevator business I witnessed this stupid ass doing head stands in the middle of the gym. so, right, you "hurt" yourself bench pressing...
there's two girls who actively bench at scla. me and natalie. and Natalie did the smart thing and left scla. I can honestly say I have never seen her bench press. any girl benching gets my attention, anywhere. she is full of shit.
there was also a dude on the stepmill barefoot. you'll remember I was "spoken" to about trap bar deadlifting barefoot.
surrounded by douchebags man..

DISCLAIMER: this is sad..

I didn't realize that it's been exactly a month since my last blog post until I signed in. I've been meaning to write but I have been dreading writing this post. I've had a miserable month. a devastatingly, downright miserable month. and I haven't written about it because I didn't want to depress everyone out there. but one thing I've realized is that I have some great friends that don't mind so much listening to what I have to say, even if its depressing news. and another thing I've realized is that if you don't get the bad shit off your chest it will build and build until you have a meltdown, like I did this morning.
so about a month ago me and my family found out that my dad has 6-12 months to live, he has another brain tumor that is growing at a fairly rapid rate that is inoperable. at the same time he also has skin cancer on his nose and face and the cancer has spread into his cheek and neck. his doctors are only concerned with that cancer right now, it's the most aggressive cancer they have seen in the past 20 years. he has to get radiation five times a week for the next 6-7 weeks (now about four more weeks I'd guess) just so his nose doesn't turn black and fall off. there is nothing that can be done for him beyond purely aesthetic purposes. and if that wasn't bad enough, my dad has no idea who I am. within a week he didn't know me. I seen him on april 18th - my nana's birthday - and we had our normal conversation (which would not be normal to anyone else) about who knows what and a week later he didn't have a clue who I was. or actually, he thought I was my sister.
I'm guessing at best, the way things are going, my dad has more like 3-6 months to live. and I could go on with this story and how everyday it's something new that has gone wrong, but I think you get the picture. what I have decided is that this is not the way I will remember my dad. I will remember him as the guy who never left me, who two months ago hugged me and told me he appreciated everything that I did (which meant bringing him cookies), who picked me up drunk and crying and ready to kick someone's ass for making me cry, who told me that I was always welcome to move back home (unlike the rest of the siblings), who used to answer the phone with it's your dime and ended every phone conversation with HELLO and who used to tell stories that began with "and there I was...". this is how I'll remember him.
I also decided to send out a HUGE thank you and I love you to all my friends. this is such a shitty situation to be in but there are certain things that are getting me through the days. so, thank you carrie for listening to me constantly and not making me talk if I don't want to, or waiting for me to do it on my terms. thank you anna buckingham for saying you'd go to d.c. with me to tell my brother all this in person and rubbing my back when I cried. thank you CP for existing, because training is a huge stress reliever for me and it's honestly the one and only place I am happy these days. and a big thank you for everyone who has eaten my baked goods, it's my form of therapy and I'm happy to pawn them all off on you and not eat them myself.
and carrie, I lied. this is my favorite paul simon song. mainly because the lines: and I see losing love is like a window in your heart. everybody sees you're blown apart. everybody feels the wind blow

all time high

the hate is running at an all time high tonight. it's mostly for reasons that don't concern scla, though the jumping rope guy almost got a landmine to the fucking forehead but I digress... this post is going to be dedicated to things I don't hate. because at this point in time I have to focus on those things. otherwise my head is going to explode. so, in no particular order here we go:

highland kitchen: because even though the waitress didn't bring me the right drink (twice), I know that I can go to bo and explain my drink and get what I want.
highland kitchen (again): because they make their own pickles. enough said.
(I love highland kitchen)
jason: even though he makes me absolutely bonkers crazy, he makes me laugh. and right now I need to laugh.
sling blade: because yes, even a disturbing depressing movie can be made into a comedy when jason is involved.
alison: because even though she is miles away, she still knows that wine, chocolate, baked good and most of all tequila will make me happy
chris howard: just because.
friends who remind you that they're there for you no matter what.
friends who share their sad stories with you and listen to yours and don't mind sitting in silence
steph and eric: for making "going elwell" into a verb and a blog post
all the people who donated money for my bike ride: your generosity astounds me. I love you all
my married former gym boyfriend: I know you think I'm crazy but thank you for taking the weight off the landmine for me because I was honestly too tired and out of breath to do it myself. and I refuse to not re-rack my weights. even if technically I have someone else do it.
LOST: goddamn you lost! I have no idea what's going on but I love you anyways.
tony: for making me into a gym snob and a lover of lifting heavy shit. it truly keeps me sane
the fact that my mind thinks in song. that doesn't sound right but you get what I'm saying. the song may be annoying at times and sometimes I have like songs battling it out in my head but I like that I "think" in music
and lastly, my bed: I love you bed. I hate that I have to leave you in 7 hours but I'll be back...

here I leave you with the song that has been stuck in my head all night

who needs spike when you have hate?

first off I apologize for being mia lately, I honestly haven't had much of anything good to say lately. been a bit of a downer and didn't want to spread my blahness on everyone else. I did have a blog post almost written last week, all about how pallof tortured me and I was bruised and broken but I just never got into it and then I got over the fact that my legs were green.
but I don't think I'm gonna get over tonight anytime soon. I fucking hate sports club la. I hate myself for going there and paying as much as I do to deal with douchebags. and again, I know that every commercial gym is going to be bad but I don't know that it would be as bad as scla. so tonight I have to do tb dl's paired with neutral grip seated rows. then this stupid B1-B5 complex thing with little to no time to rest and I forgot my spike at work. but I tell myself that it's a deload week so I can just skip the spike this time. I KNOW! crazy right??
so I start my sets of dl's and get in one set of rows before someone jumps on the machine. annoying but whatever, I'll just wait. and THEN a trainer came over to me and said um hi, you need to put your shoes on, we have a rule about wearing shoes especially when you're around weights, and she pointed at the weights like I didn't know what they were and I must have made a face because she sort of backed up and I said I train barefoot all the time and I'll put my shoes on after I'm done deadlifting. without freaking out, I totally went elwell on her (thanks eric!!). her response was oh, really well ok they (I don't know who they were) told me to come over and tell you to put your shoes on. motherfuckers. either 1. she's lying about someone telling her to say something because she's afraid I'm gonna punch her or 2. someone was in fact too big of a pussy to say anything to me themselves. I'm going to go with a combination of both.
I am sure it has happened but how many people have dropped weights on their feet?? and do I look that retarded. god fucking help me if any of you thought well yes michelle you do look that retarded.
and what about the assholes that wear flip flops on the weight floor??? that's ok?? atleast I have socks on assholes. I hate everyone
so I am telling you that I did not need any spike to fuel my workout tonight. I had plain old hate to push me through....

stay tuned for an upcoming post on stinky people and how much I hate them. I can guarantee eric will hate me for what I write and NO eric doesn't stink...

the end of an era

I used to have this friend Yolanda. I knew her since the eight grade. I was her first friend when she moved here from north carolina. one day we were lined up outside of a class waiting to go in and I seen that we both had the same shoes on. I don't even think we became friends right then, it's just my first memory of her. I don't even know how we "became" friends but we did. we were inseparable. and we stayed inseparable for almost 20 years. I don't know what happened but we're no longer friends. maybe people aren't meant to stay that close forever. maybe people grow apart. I just don't know. so I went to redbones on friday night for my friend bryce's last night of work. I think bryce worked there for 10 years. he was the first bartender I became friends with there and the first one I "followed" and because the owners have taken a new found interest in running their business after being absent for a very long time, they've decided to "ask" the one night a week employees to leave. I have been going to redbones for so long that I don't remember a time I didn't hang out there. but it's not the same as it used to be. the above picture is from redbones. me and yolanda used to go there every wednesday night after our day class at umass boston and before my night class at bentley. Joe used to bartend downstairs and at least 50% of the time, I didn't make it to my night class. anyways, me and yolanda wrote on the picture ME + YO heart JOE. we LOVED joe. I still love joe, yolanda probably not so much. I took the picture a while ago to remind me what times used to be like. the picture now has our writing painted over. it's not the same as it used to be. to me it really does feel like the end of an era.
that was the end of my week, which almost was the "straw that broke the camels back" but it didn't. here's the rest of the week, working backwards:
wednesday day and night I ran around like a maniac and finally got home at 11 pm to shitty news about a couple of people I know, people I really do think of as my friends. the news had nothing to do with me but it left me really sad. sometimes you think you know whats going on with people but you never truly know what happens in people's private lives. I'm sorry for my friends and I hope they know that I'm there for them if they need anything. because I may be a raging bitch, but I am a loyal bitch if nothing else.
went to scla on tuesday - and almost took this dudes head off when he gave me an attitude about using the box and 30 lb db's to do my step ups.
on monday we found out my dad has another brain tumor. this time on the right side of the brain, whereas the other is on the left side. so we're dealing with two brain tumors right now. they've been "watching" the left side for a while now but he's been in a lot of pain and acting crazier than usual so he went in for an emergency mri two weeks ago. we won't know until tomorrow (hopefully) what the next course of action is. but needless to say my family is in turmoil. my brother who's in dc is freaking out about not being home. my sister calls me crying about having to sell my dads car, because that's when it hit her that things will never be the same. my mom shows no emotion ever so I have no idea how she's coping. not a clue whats going on with kerri and I'm just taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I try not to think about it, but who can do that? it's always there but I am trying to push it out and not freak out or jump to conclusions about what this means.
so yea, the end of an era. that's what it feels like to me

OH MY GOD!!!!

The National are coming to boston! The National are coming to boston! The National are coming to boston!
THE VOICE IS COMING TO BOSTON!!!!

I can’t even think straight right now. I’m about ready to pee my pants and probably give myself a heart attack from the shear excitement I am feeling right now. Mind you, tickets don’t go on sale until tomorrow so I am not even in yet. But the fact that they are coming here is enough to make me freak out!!! And steph is in damn PR so I have nobody to freak out with! I will have permagrin on for the rest of the day. I wish I could take a picture just to show you all that I do in fact know how to smile! and these assholes at work will not be able to get to me anymore today. Fuckers. They are trying their best today to make me snap, I’ll tell you that much. But it won’t work any longer.